Bed Bugs

My roommate, dog and I recently completed a nine-week sentence during which our entire life was in garbage bags. Waking up to clutter puts me in a bad mood. Waking up surrounded by garbage bags for nine weeks straight flat out depresses me. I wanted to reach out to any of you going through this nightmare. Yes, I know. I told myself many times people have gone through far worse and survived. Still, I want to share my experience. Not a lot of people do, and it's horrible feeling like you're alone in this mess.  

We don't know if we brought them back from Europe, or if my niece and nephew brought them from Iowa, or if they came up from the apartment below us. We'll never know, and I finally decided it wasn't important once I felt confident I'd convinced the property manager to at least speak with the tenants below us. 

We went through three treatments and two inspections before we were in the clear. The first visit required we wash everything. 31 bags of laundry were schlepped to the laundromat via one Toyota Camry. We live in a fourth-floor walk-up. This was great training for the mini-triathlon I ran in August, because there was no quitting. We just had to keep plowing through. We also had to "cook" anything we couldn't launder - books, papers (hello, we're writers) fragile things, etc. We cooked them in this big thing called a Pack-Tite, which is basically a space heater in a bag with a shelf and a thermometer. The temperature had to reach a certain point for a certain amount of time (I think 120 degrees for five minutes). This was slow going. The whole experience was absolutely overwhelming, but "cooking" was a real challenge. "You cooking tonight?" became a regular part of our everyday conversations, making us sound like a couple of meth heads. Then I realized my Excalibur food dehydrator was capable of reaching the same temperature. So we started "cooking" things in there with a candy thermometer to monitor the interior temps of books and papers, and it went much faster. Incidentally, if you travel just buy a Pack-Tite. You just put your luggage inside and cook it when you return from your trip.

The Crematorium

I think humor got us through the worst of it, that and a little crying and a fair amount of good old fashioned bitching.

Two Girls, A Dog, A Frog and A Bath Tub: 

This Is Not the Story You Think it Is

That's what we're going to title the book if we ever write about this epic adventure. Before each treatment, the exterminator would check the bathroom, a low risk zone, and declare it clear for us to pile everything in the bath tub so he could treat the rest of the apartment. 

Closing time... you don't have to go home, bed bugs... but you can't stay here.

Gotta love an exterminator who recognizes a vision board when he sees one and doesn't make you throw it away. A lovely portrait of a dead bed bug wound up being placed at the top of this board, a suggestion from said exterminator.

The one time my OCD roommate doesn't check the oven knobs I just have have to try arc welding.

You little %#@*! You've literally turned our world upside-down.

We felt dirty and shameful for quite a while, keeping it a secret, worrying we were spreading them everywhere we went. Once we accepted that this was not the case, that bed bugs are an ever-growing problem in just about every part of the world and they don't like motion so are not fond of hitchhiking on your shoulder persay, things got a little better. I still say it's a true test of patience, though. A special thanks goes out to our alarmist building manager who first told us it's very common, that they've had them in every one of their buildings. But then told us she doesn't even go to the movies, because she's so afraid of them... that you can pick them up at Starbucks, the library... and on and on. Pullease, lady. You have to live your life. Try helpful and optimistic for a change. Harbinger of doom doesn't really suit you. 

Our exterminator manager, Kevin, was pretty understanding throughout our bouts of tears and occasional profanity. Although, sometimes I think he forgot we were living in a studio, so there was no putting things in another room for us. We lived in a valley, surrounded by garbage bags. He got a little testy when I told him my roommate and I thought there should be a dating service for exterminators, so we could both marry one and NEVER have to go through this again. I was sure we'd gone through the seven stages of grief and shared this with him. 

Bottom line? It's AWFUL, but you get through it and they say the way you handle things when they're not going your way determines who you'll be when they are. I grew a lot. I was also very thankful I'd become a minimalist. I couldn't imagine battling bed bugs in a big house full of stuff. I'd never be convinced they were completely gone. Toward the end it dawned on me that if I was serious about one day living in a Tumbleweed house, I still had more minimizing to do. I was ready to downsize even more. Those little bed bugs turned out to be a magnificent eye opener. 

Dear Kevin,

I'm sorry for losing my cool today. My regular days are very stressful. I feel like I'm getting a triple dose right now. That's no excuse, I know. I just want to reassure you I'm not insane or impossible. I would've loved a list of things your past customers recommend, though. I also feel like I've gone through the full seven stages of grief the past two days and we still have plenty of work to do:

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
What are these beetle things? The windows must not seal tight. Blood?! Bed bugs?! Nooooooooooooooo!

2. PAIN & GUILT-
How, in the name of God, are we going to get through this?! I'm a minimalist! Why did I keep so many clothes?! 

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
These things must be coming from our neighbors! No one understands what an overwhelming mess this is. Why did we stay in youth hostels in Europe? What were we thinking?! Maybe we caught it early and won't have to gut the apartment??? I'll do anything - voodoo, potions, backflips! 

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
This is one of the worst things I've ever had to tackle aside from my dad's funeral. Everyone else surely has elevators, more help, more money, more patience, a bigger car, etc. This is never going to end. What if they keep coming back??? I want to burn everything and become a monk.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
Wow, I finished the laundry and in just six hours. We might survive this after all. 

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-

I just hired a financial advisor, because if I ever have to do this again I am also moving out. I am taking my minimalism to the next level and getting rid of most of my clothes, even if I did just wash everything. 

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

I am not the first to go through this, and I won't be the last. I've not handled it very gracefully - cried and lost my cool, but I've learned a lot. I still wouldn't wish this on anyone, but at least I know I can get through it if it ever happens again.